Why Making a Change is so Hard
The Three Magic Words to Make Better Decisions and Improve Your Life
Over the years coaching students and CEOs, I have found them surprisingly reluctant to make changes. Even when people acknowledge a change seems rational and in their best interest, more often than not, they do nothing.
As I reflected more, I realized that this behavior is rational - not optimal, but rational. In this article I’ll explain why people cling to the status quo, and introduce a simple framework you can use to help you overcome this trap.
I want to acknowledge that the examples I use below are extreme. I don’t mean to suggest these changes are easy. They’re not. All of the names and circumstances below have been changed to disguise the participants.
Why Change is Hard
Last year, I was coaching Alex, one of our CEOs. For several quarters, Alex complained about his CFO, Dave. Dave had been with the company for a long time. Dave was good, but not great. Dave worked hard, often sending emails after midnight. Dave was a likeable guy, and Alex believed Dave was good for the company culture. But Dave wasn’t great. As B players do, he hired B and C players on his team. He maintained the status quo, and he didn’t move the company forward. Alex tried to coach Dave and had been very clear about his expectations. But Dave hadn’t changed. Alex was extremely frustrated with Dave and complained about him nearly every time we talked. When I talked to Alex about making a change, he bristled. It was like I had touched a third rail. It caused him visible pain to talk about firing Dave.
A friend of mine, Kristin, was in a toxic relationship. Her husband Jack was not good with their children. He often yelled at them, bringing them to tears, particularly after he’d had a few drinks. He spent more money than the two of them made. To seem important in the eyes of others, he belonged to several country clubs, purchased expensive cars and lived in a neighborhood well above their means. His behavior with the kids and with money caused significant stress on the two of them, and they fought constantly. Kristin was miserable, but she saw no way out. Kristin tried to talk to Jack many times about his behavior and suggested therapy and other alternatives. Jack shut these conversations down and would say in front of their children, “If you don’t like it, get a divorce!” Kristin complained to me about Jack for more than three years. When we talked about the idea of separating or initiating a divorce, she wouldn’t even engage in the conversation. She would nearly have a panic attack and her eyes would well up. Divorce wasn’t on the table.
Another friend of mine, Joe, was overweight and drank heavily. Joe knew he was overweight. He knew he drank too much, and that both behaviors were hurting his health. Joe is a smart and successful person. But he’s never been able to get control of his weight or his drinking. He would go through periods where he would try a new diet or declare to the world that he was done eating carbs forever. But soon after, he would give up and gain weight again. He would cut down on drinking for a while, only to binge weeks later. I tried to talk to him about his drinking on several occasions and he wouldn’t engage in the conversations. Talking about his weight is too painful for him as well.
Despite intellectually knowing that they were unhappy with their situations, all three of these people chose to maintain the status quo. You might be surprised to hear that I believe all three of the people above made rational decisions and that - at least with one lens - they were optimizing their lives.
You don’t agree? Consider the following.
If you are Alex, is your next month going to be better if you:
Keep things as they are. Dave continues producing the financial statements, but not pushing the company forward, or
Have a very difficult termination conversation with Dave, negotiate a severance package with him, announce his termination to his team and the company, start a search for a new CFO, interview several candidates, convince one to join, and then onboard the new CFO?
If you are Kristin, is your next month going to be better if you:
Go to work, pick up the kids from school at the end of the day, have dinner with the family, watch TV, fight with Jack over money or the kids, and then go to bed, or
Tell your husband you want a divorce and begin a bitter legal battle, fight over custody of the children and become a single mother?
And if you are Joe, is your next month going to better if you:
Continue eating and drinking as you are, or
Check yourself into a rehab facility and begin the incredibly difficult and often painful work on your addictions?
It is often said that the addict has to hit rock bottom before they’re willing to make a change. And from my experience, I believe this phenomenon exists beyond substance addiction. For each of these people, the first option listed above of maintaining the status quo has to be so bad (rock bottom) that it is more painful than the option of making a major change. Many of us aren’t dealing with extreme situations, so our status quo rarely or never reaches the pain of rock bottom. And thus we don’t change.
The Three Magic Words to Better Decisions and a Better Life
The issue with my examples above is the time frame. When comparing the options of maintaining status quo to changing, I chose one month as the time frame for comparison. Many of us don’t think out longer than several weeks. And therefore, when we optimize our lives, we do so for too short of a time period. This is illustrated in the chart below.
Alex is at the dot with Dave as his CFO. In order for him to reach the next peak, he will have to travel down the sine wave and hit a trough before he can climb back out. If Alex chooses a period like a day or a week or a month in which to optimize, he will never move off his current point.
We need to get out of the day-to-day thinking and the short term pain we typically associate with change. We need to insert the three magic words: “In five years…”
In five years...
There is magic in five years. When you allow yourself to zoom out to five years, you remove the fog of war, which is the difficulty and pain involved in making a change. The fog of war and the short-term pain is often so great and so intense that we don’t even allow ourselves to clearly see what is on the other side of it.
As one of my coaches says, “The ‘how’ is the killer of all great dreams.” What she means is that first focus on the dream and get clear on that before you focus on how you’re going to get there. When we extend the time frame (and/or relax the ‘how’), we get to mentally and emotionally leap past the pain and difficulty of the short term and clearly see the outcome we really want. What if instead of focusing on one month like above, we ask the same question but with a longer time horizon?
Alex, in five years, do you still want to have a B- CFO in your company?
Kristin, in five years, do you still want to be in a toxic relationship with Jack?
Joe, in five years, do you still want to be overweight and drinking too much?
Even though none of these individuals would even discuss making a change in the short term, each of them was crystal clear about their desires in the longer term. In fact, Alex laughed out loud at the five-year question when I asked it, seeing it as rhetorical.
Okay. Alex, so you know you want to have an A+ CEO five years from now, and Dave will never be that person. When should we start working on this? His answer, “Right now.”
Alex’s clarity on the long-term outcome he wanted gave him conviction on the short-term path and gave him the courage to make the change. Kristin and Joe both ultimately made changes as well. Kristin divorced Jack and is now happily remarried. Joe checked himself into rehab and has been sober for more than five years. He is also working on getting his weight under control.
Change is hard. It is often scary and painful. If you are ever struggling with a difficult decision, try this: Insert the words “In five years…” and then consider the decision again. My guess is that it will become very obvious which direction you want to go. The longer time frame will not only provide you with a different perspective, but like magic, it will lead you to a better decision. And the benefit of getting out of the fog of war will also allow you to be brave and face things that can seem very difficult in the short term.
When you string decisions like this together over the course of your life, they will lead you to live in a way that is consistent with your heart’s true desires.