How Gratitude Can Silence Your Ego and Improve Your Life

Thanksgiving is our nation’s official day of gratitude. It is our day to step back with our loved ones and give thanks for the blessings we have in our lives. But gratitude has value well beyond its expression on the fourth Thursday in November. Gratitude can help us silence our egos and find peace in our lives. Over a number of years of writing in my journal, I created a narrative of gratitude:

“Everything that has happened to me has made me the person I am today. I am grateful for where I am right now, who I am, and the people in my life. I have everything I need. I am grateful for the adventure of life I have yet to live. I am the hero of my story. I’m not looking back. My life starts today.”  

Putting your ego aside

Our ego is the voice in our head which we often use to identify ourselves. Our identity might include statements like, “I am a parent, employee, friend, sister, brother, teacher, athlete, etc.” and as life goes on, the ego keeps score. The two most common ways the ego keeps score are: (i) the need to compare ourselves to other people and (ii) our insatiable need for more. The ego’s statements evolve to, “I am a mediocre parent, I am an angry employee, I am not as good of an athlete as Joe, etc.” The thought, “I am a mediocre parent” is my ego comparing itself to friends who coached their kids’ teams and to how parents show up in movies. I’m feeding into my ego’s need to compare to others and to always want more. I’ve come to realize over time that I’m not upset about not coaching my daughter’s soccer team. I’m upset because my ego is telling me that I am supposed to be my daughter’s soccer coach to be a good parent.

The events themselves are rarely the problem. It’s the thoughts we construct around the events that create stress, unhappiness, and anxiety. Suffering occurs when life unfolds differently than we think it is “supposed to.” 

“Suffering occurs when life unfolds differently than we think it is “supposed to.” ”

Although it seems like that voice in our head is “us,” it is not. We are the ones who hear that voice. According to Buddhist philosophy, recognizing that we are not this voice is the first path to enlightenment. Meditation is a practice of separating ourselves from our incessant voice.

Bringing gratitude into your day-to-day life

So how do we use the power of gratitude to silence our ego and significantly reduce stress? 

You will likely find it difficult to “stop thinking stressful thoughts,” so instead, develop a grateful narrative. I learned this hack when I was cutting weight for wrestling and later rowing. Cutting out food caused my mind to obsess about food, and it didn’t work very well. What worked better was to intentionally eat healthy, water-based foods like fruits, vegetables, soup, and yogurt to make me feel full and to crowd out my hunger. Gratitude is healthy food for your mind.

 A grateful mantra crowds out your ego’s need for comparison and need for more.

When I beat myself up for something that happened in the past, I try to return to the narrative: 

 “Everything that has happened to me has made me the person I am today. 

 When I find myself comparing to others, I replace that with: 

I am grateful for where I am right now, who I am, and the people in my life. I have everything I need. 

 And when I stress about something in the future, I remind myself:

I am grateful for the adventure of life I have yet to live. I am the hero of my story. I’m not looking back. My life starts today.” 

 Many of us have been through incredibly difficult circumstances. I am not saying life is fair, that you were treated fairly or that everything that happened to you is just. I am saying that your ego is making those circumstances worse. Your ego wants to compare your past to an expectation of what “should be true.” Holding onto your expectation about how you wish the past would have unfolded, what you “should have” done, where you’re “supposed to be right now,” or how others “should have” behaved is likely the source of much of your stress. You can significantly reduce your stress if you start with accepting yourself and your circumstances as they are.

 Your life circumstances to this point, while far from perfect, have conspired to make you the person you are today. And you are amazing. And you are enough. 

“Your life circumstances to this point, while far from perfect, have conspired to make you the person you are today. And you are amazing. And you are enough.”