A Simple Buddhist Framework for Dealing with Frustrating People & Situations
We don’t realize it, but often we make our happiness contingent on people or circumstances which are outside of our control. Doing so is incredibly frustrating and disempowering. Often, we have a few dominant and stressful thoughts we think and thus relive over and over, including:
I hate my boss. I will be happy if/when… I have a different job/boss.
I’m not in the right relationship. I will be happy if/when … I am in the right relationship.
I don’t have enough money. I will be happy if/when… I have more money.
My kids [roommate, co-worker, partner, mom, family member] are driving me crazy. I will be happy if/when… he/she/they behave differently.
I am frustrated by something happening in the political landscape [in the stock market, at work, etc.]. I will be happy if/when… that circumstance changes and begins going how I think it should go.
The thoughts above are disempowering because you are placing your happiness in the hands of something or someone over which you have little to no control. Relying on external events for our happiness creates a life where our mental state is like a feather in the wind—if the wind blows our way, we’re happy, but we have no control over the way it blows.
I remember dating a woman in my 20s who was volatile. Sometimes she would be happy with me, sometimes not. Sometimes the relationship was joyful and peaceful, and other times we would fight. I often walked on eggshells, acting carefully and hoping I wasn’t going to upset her. I explained to my therapist how my girlfriend was causing me unhappiness. My therapist said,
“Graham, let me get this straight. You’re placing your emotional wellbeing in the hands of a 20-something-year-old woman who you’ve already determined is emotionally unstable?”
Yup. That’s pretty much exactly what I was doing. This comment hit home. My happiness was like a feather in the wind.
I had created a story about how my girlfriend should be. When she behaved differently than my story, I got upset. I thought the reason I was unhappy was because of her. If she would only change to align with my story, then all my problems would be solved!
The Buddhist perspective
A number of the core tenets of Buddhism are designed for exactly these circumstances. Rather than placing your happiness in a person or situation, a more empowering perspective is to accept that the person or situation is what it is. One of the fundamental tenets of Buddhism is to recognize that the reason for your unhappiness is not the person or situation. The reason for your unhappiness is your belief that the person or situation should be different than it is!
People rarely change. And if they do, they don’t usually change because you wished (or incessantly nagged) for them to be different. The political landscape, stock market, or your job also don’t typically change as a result of the amount of stress you pour into something, or the number of times you replay the situation in your mind.
Accepting that people and circumstances are likely to persist as they are allows you to shift from a disempowering thought (this situation or person is causing me pain), to an empowering thought: “How will I choose to respond?”
To simplify, there are two ways to respond to a situation. You either resolve to take action to change it, or you accept it. Either alternative will give you greater peace than the choice of being frustrated because it is not the way you want it to be.
Consider my situation with my girlfriend. Stressing about wanting her to behave differently brought me nothing but misery. Not only did she not change, but my constant desire for her to change added tension to the relationship and caused me stress. Ultimately, I recognized my girlfriend was who she was. And my choice was to be in a relationship with her as she was or end the relationship. I chose the latter.
“Relying on external events for our happiness creates a life where our mental state is like a feather in the wind.”
Sometimes it brings us peace to accept a situation. A friend of mine has a job that he doesn’t love. His boss can be frustrating and he isn’t learning or growing. But his job offers him tremendous flexibility, allowing him to coach athletic teams for his young kids and to comfortably meet his financial obligations. Because of these factors, he has decided to stay at this job for the foreseeable future. Since he IS planning to stay at this job, he can save himself tremendous stress and agony by accepting the job as it is. An empowering thought could be, “My job is stable and I’m not growing as much as I’d like, but it gives me the gift of being able to spend time with my young family. I’m grateful for the flexibility and stability I have.” He doesn’t need to agree that his boss is a wonderful boss, he just needs to accept her as she is, rather than spending his emotional energy wishing the situation were different.
Take a moment and consider:
What is the most common narrative about an external person or situation which is causing you stress?
Recognize that the situation or person itself is likely going to persist as it is. Your story about the situation or person needing to be different is causing you stress.
Decide if this is something you’re going to take action to change, or if it’s something you’re going to accept.
Continue forward with empowering thoughts about why you’ve chosen to accept it or the actions you’re going to take to alter the situation going forward.
This framework has brought me tremendous peace and allowed me to focus my precious emotional energy in more productive places! I hope it does the same for you.
Good luck!