The Best (and Worst) Parenting Advice I Ever Received

The book “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell opens with his observation that most of the players on the Canadian Olympic hockey team were born in January, February, or March. Gladwell explains that young kids in Canada try out for hockey teams based on the year they were born. The kids born in January of a given year are nearly a full year older than those born in December of the same year, which makes a big difference for a 7 year old. The older, bigger kids typically make the “A” team, while the kids born in December predictably do not. The “A” team kids get better coaching and training, and this tracking continues all the way through the Olympics.

While “Outliers” was a great book, it was the worst book of all time for me to read as a parent. It tapped into my perfectionism and insecurities; it completely freaked me out. When I read the book in 2008, my three kids were 5, 3, and 3 months old, respectively. I remember thinking, “If I don’t get my kids in the right sport on the right team by the age of 7, they’re doomed for the rest of their lives!”

Several years later, my oldest son, Chase, was joining Little League baseball, his first organized team sport. He had several practices, and I was certain that Chase’s first year or two of Little League would determine his life’s destiny. Was he getting enough batting practice? Did I need to get him a hitting coach? Did he have the right glove? Should I splurge $55 for a composite graphite bat? I am sure that young Chase could sense my anxiety and the pressure I was putting on him and on myself.

On Opening Day, there was a parade through downtown Marin. Our team was the SF Giants, and we decorated a parent’s flatbed truck in black and orange. The kids loved standing in the back of the truck bed and waving to onlookers along the road, nearly all of whom, I have to assume, were parents.

After the parade, we filed into the stadium and the league commissioner gave a speech. I don’t remember his name and I didn’t record the speech, so I’m taking some poetic license. The speech turned out to contain some of the best parenting advice I’ve ever received.

“I’ve been the commissioner of this league for 28 years, and I’ve seen a thing or two in my time. For many of your kids, this is their first organized sport. And I’m sure you’re excited and anxious and wondering what this will entail. You’re not only starting your journey as a Little League parent, but most of you are in the early innings of your lifelong parenting journey as well.

I hate to break this to you, but statistically no kid here is going to play baseball in the Major Leagues. Most likely, none of the kids here will play ball in college. Very few of your kids will play in high school. Most will play for a few years and then move on to other hobbies and pursuits.

I tell you this not to discourage you, but to put this experience into perspective. This season is about enjoying this precious time in your kids’ lives and teaching them the fundamental lessons of sportsmanship, how to be a good teammate, and how to keep going when they strike out or drop a fly ball, which they inevitably will. Little League is not a stepping stone to something else. It is about the time right now. Your kids will look to you to determine what is important based on how you react and talk to them. Be there for them, support them, and don’t stress them out with your expectations or your attempts to fulfill your own unrealized dreams through them.

If you spend your time with your kids always looking to the next step, the next thing, the next achievement, you’ll miss their childhood and you’ll deprive your kids of finding their own way. Instead, appreciate each stage, and most of all, appreciate your children for who they are, not who you or your parents or society expects them to be.”

“If you spend your time with your kids always looking to the next step, the next thing, the next achievement, you’ll miss their childhood and you’ll deprive your kids of finding their own way.”

The commissioner’s speech was a catalyst to help change the way I parented and how I thought about my relationship with my kids. Nevermind that “Outliers” was never meant to be a parenting book, I went into that season hearing Gladwell’s words echoing in my head and believing it was up to me to position my kids to make the equivalent of the Canadian “A” team at every turn, from Little League to math class.

At some point, I realized that my parenting was a reflection of how I viewed my own life, and I first needed to change my own outlook. I felt like maybe the commissioner had been talking to me! “Graham, if you spend your time always looking toward the next step, the next thing, the next achievement, you’ll miss your own life, and will deprive yourself of finding your own way. Instead, stay present and appreciate each stage and step. And most of all, appreciate yourself for who you are, not who society expects you to be.” 

As I began to let go of the need to always be looking ahead, I began to enjoy the parenting journey. Whether my kids got limited playing time or were the leading scorers, I attended their events with such regularity that it was never anything special to see Dad in the stands. I was one of their biggest champions and cheerleaders, alongside their mom and later, their siblings. Rather than directing my kids, I tried to make space for them to choose their own passions and make their own decisions, and in doing so, I let them decide if they were excited about something and ultimately find their own intrinsic motivation.

My oldest son, Chase, will venture out of the home and off to college in a few weeks. When he leaves, the stage in my life with all my kids under my roof will come to an end. I’ll be heartbroken, but I won’t look back with regrets. I’ve enjoyed every minute of the journey. The past 18 years of raising three kids has been the greatest time of my life. 

 Your time with your children living at home is short and finite. Don’t waste it living in the future. Don’t waste it trying to make them perfect. They are perfect as they are. The time will pass before you know it.